Velcro Relationships: How You Got the Bad Boy or Girl Habit

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A must-read for anyone who has been told to "let go" or "get over it" but doesn't iknow how. -- Brian Gerrard, Ph.D, Assoc. Prof., Counseling Psychology , University of San Francisco

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When I went through the process, I felt the electrical energy drain out of my system. It was unbelievable. Almost immediately I felt lighter. something had been released . . . and I'm a new person.

-- Jeff R., CFO

Therapy vs. Self Help

What is the right path for you?

Deciding whether or not to pursue therapy - and the process of choosing a therapist - or to pursue self-help - are critical issues for you to consider. First some facts:

Some studies suggest that there is substantial improvement between the time a person decides to get therapy and their first appointment - in other words, the improvement seems to come from the decision to focus on and solve one's emotional problems, not from the therapy itself.

With a few scattered exceptions, therapy generally produces small rather than large changes in behavior and feelings and most changes are short lived. Nor does the training or experience of the therapist seem to matter.

Though professional counselors have received far more therapy than any other group, there is no evidence that they feel better or overcome their problems better than anyone else.

One study revealed that psychiatrists suffer fro more marital and sexual problems and their suicide rate is one of the highest of any other group in the medical professions.

Does that mean you shouldn't see a therapist? Not at all. But you need to be a good candidate - either for therapy or self-help, for either to benefit you as much as it can.

You are a good candidate for self help if you are:

either not on psychotropic medications or have been on them for a short period of time

blessed with supportive family and/or friends that encourage you to express your feelings

Embarrassed to express your feelings in front of other people and prefer to be alone when you are emotional

sick and tired of being sick and tired - i.e. you are ready to give up the struggle and let Mother Nature do her job

able to get support from access a 12-step program. While this isn't critical, it can provide on-going support while you are getting better.

On the other hand, you are a good candidate for therapy if

You have been on substantial doses of psychotropic drugs for a long period of time

You have been diagnosed with manic depression, schizophrenia or any other psychosis

You feel depressed and suicidal

You are scared to "go it alone."

So - if you decide to see a therapist, how should you go about it?

First - understand as much as you can about how the emotional brain works so you will know how to evaluate the therapist and your progress, so you can spend your money wisely and not waste it thinking that you need to be in therapy for years to get substantial results.

Second, a good therapist's job is to "pull off the emotional scab" and let it drain so it will heal. A therapist that spends your time helping you understand your issues instead of feeling them is not going to help you get well anymore than studying viruses t the library will heal your cold. Might as well take a psychology course.

Third, select a therapist that doesn't prescribe meds except as a last resort and for only a short period of time. You know if she grabs for the prescription pad the moment you walk in, you have someone who is interested in helping you cover up your symptoms, rather than getting rid of their cause. You are already good at that! You don't need a partner in crime. I

Fourth - if the therapist is doing his job, and you are doing your part, you should feel worse in his office (as he helps to pull off the scab) but begin to feel better outside of it within 3 to 5 appointments!

Fifth, if it doesn't feel right for any reason, end it. By feel right, I don't mean feel good. You should be hurting during therapy. If you had surgery, you would expect to be sore for awhile. This is not only natural, but necessary. However, if you are talking and talking and talking about your issues but never feel anything, the only progress you may be making is to learn how to be more cerebral, more "rational brain" and less and less plugged into your emotional brain - the reverse of what therapy is supposed to do for you.

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