Zap! Zowie! There he is. There she is. The love of your life. Across a crowded room. A complete stranger, and yet, somehow, cupid’s arrow found its target and your heart strings got zinged.
Or, perhaps you just met and only exchanged a few words but are stunned by the sensation that you have known him forever.
Velcro Relationships
You are having a Velcro relationship, one of those sudden, inexplicable attractions that is passionate, powerful, and profound, an emotional experience that overwhelms the intellect. It is a relationship that begins, unlike those that are based on objective respect and experience, on the right side of the brain.
Where do these crazy “love at first sight” experiences come from? Are they lust or are they love? Real or a figment of the imagination? Love or addiction? Limerance or lunacy?
A Gift from Mother Nature
In most cases, they are all of these. Velcro relationships are nature’s gift to you. Handled well, they are an invaluable opportunity to heal old emotional injuries, the gateway to healthy relationships.
Why? Velcro relationships are part of our innate emotional immune system, a sign of unfinished business, of childhood feelings that have been stuffed and now want to come out.
How It Works
In the first meteoric days or months of such a relationship, life looks and feels great. You are awestruck, exhilarated, walking on sunshine, immersed in a joyous feeling that pervades every cell of your being. You may feel overwhelmed and out of control because instead of your intellect, your feelings are in charge.
At first, you probably feel safe. But because all emotions, good and bad, come from the same part of the brain, when you feel pleasure, you are also close to feeling the emotional pain that, over the years you may have stored there. It is why personal relationships are so distressful for some people.
By being “in love” and operating from the emotional instead of the rational brain, other feelings – all your “old stuff” – inevitably come to the surface. You begin to feel vulnerable and anxious. Perhaps you fear losing the one you love, the one upon whom you have become emotionally dependent. Or you might fear losing yourself – being controlled and manipulated by the object of your affection.
Which it is depends on your history. Did you grow up in an insecure, unstructured or erratic household? Or a strict, demanding, possessive one? What feelings did you stuff as a child? Did you feel abandoned, or smothered, criticized or abused?
As these feelings bubble up, most of us attribute them to our partner, or assume that love is always painful. But we are not victims of love. We are instead the recipients of a precious gift of one of the laws of Mother Nature: we attract that which triggers old pain. By opening the emotional door to old stuffed feelings, she has provided a quick way to get these poisonous emotions out.
Most of us don’t know that.
Convinced that our partner is the source of our discomfort, we may abandon the relationship with or without explanation. But the relief is destined to be temporary: the same feelings will be triggered in the next relationship. After all, they are our feelings, stuffed inside our emotional brain.
Or, perhaps we demand that our partner change so that we don’t feel bad – declare our independence and back off, or cry about our fears and try to move in. The trouble with this choice is that it usually doesn’t work either. As one person tries to move closer, the other moves away. It is a dance in which the distance always remains the same.
But if you understand the natural process of emotional healing, all by yourself, or with a good friend, you can go to the center of the old pain, express it fully and get rid of it permanently.
Is This “The One?”
Can Velcro relationships become permanent? Maybe. It depends on whether or not your partner is a “keeper.” Is he kind and considerate? Would he make a good father and husband? Is she thoughtful and loving? Is she a good friend and lover? If so, you may have a lasting relationship. If not, it is probably transitional.
But, in the end, it doesn’t really matter. As you rid yourself of stored emotional poison, you will attract healthier and healthier relationships. Mother Nature doesn’t really care if this relationship lasts, she just wants you to be joyful and healthy.
